Godly Musings

When we Gods first created the Planet earth, we had a vision in mind. A vision of having a perfect little planet with perfect little creatures dotted on it. Planet Earth is far from perfect now. The Humans that are inhabiting the planet have decided to wage a war against the planet and exploit it in every way possible.

But then, that is our fault too. We created Humans after all. Humans are these fascinating creatures who think of the most innovative ways to survive and that too very comfortably. In the process of gathering more comforts, they end up taking away the comforts of other creatures on Planet Earth. I don’t blame them. It’s the way they were manufactured by us.

Now we Gods are nasty little buggers. We are like little kids playing in sand-boxes. The Universe is our personal sandbox. We build planets in it. Multi-colored and unique planets are built. Then we watch with much excitement as the planets progress.

We see mountains grow to tremendous heights and get covered with dandruff-like snow. We watch as holes become deeper, get filled with water and become oceans. We celebrate when we see the first signs of life. We watch the progress of different creatures as they sprout up at odd places in odd forms. We smile as we see them take their first baby steps on the evolutionary scale. It is just so beautiful.

It is exactly in the same manner that we decided to create a brand new planet. We call it UnEarth. It has borrowed many of it’s properties from planet Earth but yet it is not Earth. It is a different planet with different possibilities. It has been created on the same sandbox as Earth but we tweaked it a bit as it was evolving. What we got was a completely different and unique world much like Earth but yet, not like Earth. Therefore the name UnEarth.

This is a world where we have vivid creatures that resemble the creatures on Planet Earth or you might say that the creatures on Earth resemble those on Planet UnEarth. Since the planets are on completely different time-lines, the time periods cannot really be matched to each other. We have not yet established the relationship of Earth time to UnEarth time.

“Sometimes the time on UnEarth seems to go faster than that of Earth and sometimes the time on Earth seems to go in reverse. Or something like that,” explained Einstein, when he tried to make sense of the situation. 

Dear Rahul,

You have disappointed me.

Before I tell you why, I would like to tell you the story of Rita. Rita who lives in Mumbai. Rita whose father works as an accountant in a Government Medical College.

Rita’s father was accused of misappropriation of funds that amounted to Rs. 3,500 in the year 2002. He and his family barely had enough savings to fight a case to remove the tag of ‘thief’ from his life. He was innocent and after five long years, he managed to prove it in court. The court ordered the college to hire him back and pay him some amount as damages. Rita’s father walked into the college as a proud man that day and showed the college authorities the court’s letter. They told him to come back the next day.

That was just the beginning of the story because he was neither given his job nor was he paid damages. The mental trauma was too much for him and he had a nervous breakdown. He became paralyzed.

Rita was just frustrated with it all. She went to sleep crying every night.

She woke up one day and saw a newspaper on the floor of her tiny living room. The front page was splattered with your images Rahul. It said that you had won the 2009 general elections. Rita looked at your image. You were waving to a crowd and had a smile on your face. Hope blossomed in Rita’s heart. For her, you seemed to be the leader that will stop all of this suffering that she had to face.

When she saw your picture, she saw your charisma and your youthful smile. She thought that this man, yes Rahul, you would finally end it all. And why wouldn’t she think so? You come from the most powerful family in the country. You can make mountains move with just one flick of your finger, why wouldn’t you end the suffering of people like her?

Rita went so far as to rush to a nearby Internet cafe to know more about you.

This is what she read:

• Attended St. Columba’s School, Delhi before entering the Doon School in Dehradun.
• Joined St. Stephen’s College, Delhi in 1989 for his undergraduate education.
• Moved to Harvard University after he completed the first year examinations.  
• Shifted to Rollins College due to security concerns and completed his B.A. in 1994. 
• He further went on to obtain a M.Phil from Trinity College, Cambridge University in 1995. 
• After graduation, Rahul Gandhi worked at the Monitor Group, a management consulting firm, in London. 
• In 2002 he was one of the directors of Mumbai-based technology outsourcing firm Backops Services Private Ltd.

A silent ‘wow’ escaped from her after she read this impressive profile. For her, you were this…

You can’t even imagine how she much be feeling now after your recent antics. I don’t think you even care.

Having said that, I would like to tell you that like Rita, many other people had hope. They thought that you must be different. You will not be like the old politicians who divide their own people on the basis of language, caste, creed and social status to get votes. They thought you would treat all of your people equally and would talk about their development as a collective. But then, they were about to be surprised. You are exactly like your senior ‘colleagues’.

Selfish, cunning and power-hungry.

Sure, you might argue with me that you have had a difficult life. Your grandmother was assassinated then your father was killed. You had to live most of your young life anonymously for the fear that even you might be targeted. You skipped from one educational institution to the other out of that fear. But then, I had expected that you would learn a valuable lesson from this. A valuable lesson that you will not repeat the mistakes that your Grandmother and Father had done.

The moment you stepped on to that podium to give your first speech in the 2012 Assembly Elections, millions were watching. Most of them had hope that you would say something phenomenal. Something different. Something positive. Then began the mud-slinging. You turned out to be the same as the others Rahul Gandhi and you broke the hearts of millions on that day.

On top of that, people around you made attention seeking statements. They said that your mother cried for the people of UP. They said that the Muslims will benefit if you come in power. And you? You did antics too of course. You tore the manifesto of the BSP. You cursed Mayawati for everything that was going on in UP. You did your best to attract attention as well. But did the people care? Not really.

Are you aware that most of the crowd that came to listen to you at those rallies had come because they had been promised liquor, money and a raunchy dance after you left the dias? As you got on to that Helicopter after your daily blaming and mud-slinging session, people were not waving you goodbye. They were not wondering when is the next time you come back. They were looking around to see where the ‘Gifts’, that your party people had promised them, were. You know why? Because they are poor. Election time is like Christmas for them.

Did you ever bother to get out of your imported SUVs and walk on the streets of Uttar Pradesh? Do that once and try to wear normal clothes so that you blend into the crowd. If you would do that, primarily, nobody would even recognize you. Secondly, you would understand how utterly dismal the lives of people in the state are. Uttar Pradesh is the most populated state in the country. A large chunk of the national budget is pumped into the state. The state itself has a humongous budget of it’s own.

A normal person would expect all of this money to go to the people of the state. They would expect to see decent houses, clean roads and happy people. But it is not so. You will not understand that because you have never bothered to do so. You visited ‘Dalit’ houses and made sure that the media takes lots of pictures of you when you interacted with them. You went straight home after that and took a hot bath shower to clean yourself up. Along with the ‘dirt’ on your body, you also washed away the aspirations and hopes of the people you just visited.

One would expect you to understand India like never before, given your background. One would expect you to understand why people are so angry with the administration. One would expect you to accept that it is because of political figures like you that they are upset and apathetic towards the system. But you won’t.

You have ended up representing another generation of corrupt and power-hungry human beings.

You have disappointed me Rahul Gandhi. You have disappointed a whole country.

Yours truly,

God

This Summer 2011, the land will dry up. The land will crack. The land will be devoid of any kind of moisture. Go take a sweeping look at the dried up farm land, as the sun shines down upon central India. Farmers will scratch their heads until they go bald. Their wives will scratch their hubbys until their skin turns chalky. The children will bang the empty pots and pans in their homes, not because they wish to become India’s future rock-stars, but because they can’t eat rocks nor stars to fill their tummy.

The Indian Agriculture Ministry will look on as more farmers get eaten up by the dried up earth. The minster will blandly say, “They die of natural causes.” after he sees a farmer hang from a tree or consume poison. Come along and witness the fascinating story of Indian farmers in…

Farmers die, Ministers deny

Coming to a village near you!

After the success of the 2G spectrum and Adarsh society scam comes a scam like no other. A scam of such magnitude that it will eclipse all the ongoing ghotalas and force the taxpayers to watch in awe as truckloads of their money gets siphoned off from the country. The CBI will come running to aid the taxpayer and investigate like never before. The media will come running to aid the taxpayer and investigate like never before. The taxpayer will come running home to watch the coverage LIVE (and EXCLUSIVE!) like never before.

Money trails will be re-walked. Political aides will be interviewed (Interviewed. Not interrogated. Mind it.) about their personal ongoings on this worldly planet. Residential buildings will be raided, sofas upturned, cupboards will be torn apart, car registrations will be checked, assets will be declared… and then, they all will emerge from the mist of corruption, nonplussed and wondering…

Where did all the money go?

Coming to a Metro near you…

A sensational case. What is life without sensational murder cases? A case like never before shall be brought into light. After the success of the the Jessica Lal case, Aarushi Talwar case and Ruchika Girhotra case, the media takes up a new challenge.

A public figure shall be deprived of his good night sleep as his wicked deeds will be exposed. Cameras will stand by, outside courts, to film the approaching cars and capture dramatic entry of the accused. The scenes will be replayed again and again, captioned with the words, “Look how the accused smirks, taunting the Indian judicial system.” until the viewers are convinced, “Yes. He was indeed smiling while entering the court. That means he did indeed commit the ghastly crime.”

Over-excited journalists will invite party speakers and earlier case victims to ask, “How do you feel about the ghastly event?” In the end, they will reach a single conclusion…

Is he above the law?

This is no question. It only appears so. The answer is always a YES. More such questions… coming to a courtroom near you…

The Question: 

What do you want your kid to be when he grows up? (If you don’t have one, assume you do. Male or female. Your choice.)

The Answers:

@singh_dr- “Big Boss”

@Harshilgupta – “He/she/it - can do what ever they want. (“it” in the rare case that i hook up with an alien,that wants to destroy earth.)”

And the Blessings:

I bless you @singh_dr, May you get a free gym membership and lose weight. May your knowledge keep expanding like the figure of Dolly Bindra and enable you to win many intellectual challenges. May a giant potato attack you so that you can kill it, make it into an Aalu ka Paratha and gobble it. May Amit Trivedi make more songs and Wikileaks make more news for your sake. May you get a call from you-know-who in the near future to apologize for you-know-what.

I bless you @Harshilgupta May you see a lot of unpleasant looking girls entering a parlor and coming out as angelic creatures someday.  May you enter a bar full of both male and female ‘Harshil Guptas’ and may the drinks be on the house forever. May Hollywood make more movies that act as coffee pills for you every night. May that thought of yours which is secretly imbibed deep in your mind become a reality. But be careful, the police are quite vigilant these days. Indeed. 

The Question: 

If you were made Prime Minister, what is the first thing you would do?

The Answers: 

@Rohneet  “I would build a Ram Mandir where you can live happily with your family. Well, now can you declare me winner for this question? ;-) “

And the Blessings: 

I bless you @Rohneet, May you get your twitter account verified within the next 19 years. May you dive deep into the Atlantic Ocean and emerge with a manuscript to an ancient folklore. May you make a movie on it and be regarded highly by people who hate it when Hollywood movies are dubbed in Hindi. During your deep sea adventure, may you be equipped with a high quality, waterproof camera so as to enable you to take beautiful pictures. If your movie plan doesn’t work out, you can always sell those pictures, isn’t it?

The Question:

Make up the best #BantaClaus tweet. In case you’re unaware, Banta Claus the the indian counterpart of Santa Claus. 

The Answer:

@fotespeaks “Banta shat in the chimney, really blocked up the flue and the following christmas the whole family turned hindu!”

And the blessings

I bless you @fotespeaks. May you discover a drug to get rid of drug addiction. It shall also work on diseases like social networking and phone addiction. May you establish your own online show on the lines of ‘Jay Hind’ and Bigg Boss where people who live in a house get kicked out if they stop making sarcastic remarks. May that show be sponsored by Zandu Balm.

The Question: 

Do you think the Ayodhya verdict was fair?

The Answer:

@ayush_filth “I dont care until India t.v keeps showing me where the real ayodhya was.”

And the Blessing:

I bless you @ayush_filth, May your aspiring evil dreams enable you to invent a new smiley that perfectly describes pure evil. May your new invention help you acquire more followers on the social website that you are so active on.  May you stumble upon an island full of chocolate biscuit covered whipped cream (you know what I mean, don’t you?).                  

The Question:

If a begger approaches you, what do you do?

The Answers: 

@fotespeaks “Give him votes, happens every 4 years. Oh wait, what did you mean?”

@anishalaksh “give him/her work in my firm as one of the labourers! He/she can work for a living instead of begging then”

And the Blessings:

I have already blessed @fotespeaks so doing that again will be a moot exercise indeed. 

I bless you @anishalaksh, May you engineer a scam that will involve illegally selling audio CD’s of aspiring artists at various traffic signals and veterinary hospitals. May your friends always care about you the way you care about them. They can do that by treating you with fat-rich food whenever you are hungry in the afternoon and having a really tiresome/robotic/menial job at hand.

Until the next quiz my dear humans, pip-pip.

I watched as the ten well-fed and optimistic young men unloaded their crates onto the beach. They had a determined look on their faces. Two of them dragged their inflatable raft onto the beach and hid it. The others carried the crates towards the land.

Then they cracked open the crate, pulled out their rifles and marched towards Mumbai. The day was November 26, 2008.

I strolled around in Mumbai and watched the drama unfold. Gun shots rang heavily in the city which is normally full of sounds from car horns. Whereas the latter sound tends to irritate people, the former managed to scare the feces out of them.

My name was mentioned. I turned to see who it was. I crawled into the mind of that person to see what agitated him. And then my name was mentioned again. I crawled out and yet again turned to see who took my name. Suddenly, my head started ringing with people taking my name.

I flitted in and out of minds within seconds. As the ten people began to spread out into the city, I became busier. Some of the lines uttered on that day still stay engraved in my mind. Every time I heard my name being mentioned, only one question passed through my mind… Are these really the same humans I had created?

Terrorist 1: Ya Allah! Please bless me, so that I can kick some Indian buttocks today and complete the given task!

Over-Excited Newsreader: Oh my god! Terrorist attack in Mumbai!? Check the calendar and tell me, has Christmas come early?

(Calls the cool cab company…)

Terrorist 2: God, please make sure that the ISI delivers the promised amount to my family so that they can eat something!

Policeman 1: Oh god! Where do they army people go when they need them?

(Few shots are fired at the CST. He tucks his swollen stomach in his belt and loads his antique rifle for the first time in his life…)

Cameraman: Look! They just threw a grenade! God give me strength.

(Runs towards the grenade to capture it in his lens…)

Terrorist 6: Oh god! The train is late even today. Now I’ll have to kill only those on the platform.

(Enters CST and starts spraying bullets…)

Ratan Tata: Why my hotel? Why god, why? Can’t they do all this in some other place?

Zee News Cameraman: OMG OMG OMG! A bullet just whizzed past me! Do a live coverage about me!

(The constable who was hit by the bullet lays writhing behind him, full of agony…)

Terrorist 4: No! They just captured Ajmal. God give him strength to sustain torture and humiliation by the Indian media.

Ajmal Kasab: Thank God! I have been saved! The Indian Judicial system rocks when it comes to celebrities like me.

Lawyer: Captured terrorist? God, please give his case to me so that later, i can participate in a popular reality show. Let me at him!

(Starts pulling his strings…)

ISI Agent: God, please let all of these terrorists die. Or they might trace the attack to Pakistan. Not that it will make any difference…

(Gets back to instructing and encouraging his ten pawns…)

Hemant Karkare: God damn these low quality bullet-proof jackets…

Rivka Holtzberg: Why god, why? My tiny little baby hasn’t even seen this world yet. Kill me… but save him…

(Terrorist 8 enters the room and slits the throat of her husband, Gavriel, the Jewish rabbi…)

David Headley: Great success. Thank you, God.

Zaki ur Rahman Lakhvi: Amen.

I let out an exasperated sigh as I jumped from one mind to the other. Then I decided that I need to have a peek into the future.

I saw a big dark passageway. I heard noises coming from the last cell. Was that a disguised chuckle? I moved to see where that sound originated from. And there he was… Mohammed Ajmal Amir Kasab… Enjoying the fruits of his labour.

Happily munching on some chicken. Indeed

.

This article appeared in the ‘Heavenly Times’ recently. It aptly describes the purpose of my being. Today, I share it with you earthlings.

Lord_Ram

It all started when the three BramhA, Vishnu and ShankarA were having an intense discussion about humans, over a glass of chilled Amrit.

Bramha: Look at all these humans. They are ruining their lives. They are defeating the whole purpose of their existence.

Vishnu: Indeed. One human misleads the other for his greed. They are using religion to gain momentum and win elections.

Shankara: Aren’t these humans afraid that we will damn them to hell if they continue doing such ghastly sins?

Vishnu: Actually, most of them don’t even believe in us anymore. The only people these humans believe in are pseudo politicians, actors and over-excited news readers. Ah yes! And even comic book super heroes. We should do something to bring them onto the right track.

Shankara: Lord Bramha, shall we end the Kalyug now and send in the tenth avatar of Vishnu?

Bramha: No. I have to fix a lot of bugs in ‘Kalki’. He is not ready to step onto earth. But we need to do something. We need to send someone to stop all this madness. Someone who will touch the lives of millions.

Vishnu: Indeed. I have an idea. I will send in the next version of RamA.

Shankara: Next version of Rama? A Rama 2.0?

Vishnu: Yes. Indeed. He shall be known as ‘Lord_Ram’.

And so, on May 8, 2010, Lord_Ram took birth. On Twitter.

He is a superhero like no other. His presence is widespread, thanks to social networking website, Twitter. He is the answer to the prayers of millions. Yes, he is Lord_Ram (The underscore is an integral part of his name).

His twitter bio reads, ‘Perfect Human and Ideal Man. I love SitA. I hate RavanA. HanumanA is cool. LaxmanA is Nice. I always add an extra A.’ He is blessed by the gods and sent onto this planet to fight corruption, hunger, poverty and other modern day problems. And he is unique as he has a touch of the ancient Indian heritage. His genius lies in the way he works.

Lord_Ram observed that social networking is the current ‘in thing’ amongst the youth as well as the older humans. They like to stay in touch 24 hours a day with their fellow humans through the use of technological gadgets like cell phones and computers. So what better way is there to reach out to them than becoming a part of these networks?

Lord_Ram came equipped with all the latest gadgets available in the market. He made his presence known to a handful of people onto twitter. Today, his reach is quite widespread. Check out his twitter feed www.twitter.com/Lord_Ram to gain a first-hand experience of how this superhero works.

Lord_Ram is the first kind of god who actually answers the prayers of his devotees (In 140 characters). He has made the possibility of accessing God a mere mouse click away. What better way is there to give hope to the people?

There was a time when humans used to respect the God’s words. Those words were in the form of various epic tales which had good hidden meanings within them. These stories have been repeated since thousands of years. Every time these stories are told, they become bigger and better. The actual essence of the stories has been long lost. The morals within these stories have been twisted and adjusted to suit the needs of today’s man. Lord_Ram has been sent to smooth out all those twists and turns.

Lord_Ram knows everything. Obviously, he’s a God. Presently, he’s creating a parallel universe. He has observed and listed all the faults in this universe and is trying to replicate it without those problems. He calls the new earth in the parallel universe, ‘Un-Earth’.

He is also planning to enter other social networking websites like Facebook and Orkut to spread his heroic influence.

Superpowers

 Omnipresent – Thanks to the internet, it is actually possible. Lord_Ram spreads his influence far and wide to fight polluted thoughts.

 24x7 internet connectivity – Lord_Ram is equipped with the latest gadgets in the market. He’s one of the Blackberry boys, he designed the Zoo Zoo’s and the Vodafone pug is his pet. Indeed.

Google at his Fingertips – That makes him well informed and vividly intelligent, doesn’t it?

He has the power to ‘Bless’ – In 140 characters.

He has the power to ‘Curse’ – In 140 characters.

Master of sarcasm and slapstick humor – It is considered as a superpower in today’s world. Indeed.

Manipulating thoughts – Lord_Ram is an expert manipulator. Thanks to his past experiences, he has amassed a lot of knowledge about the intricacies of the human thought system. He can now manipulate them.

Mind reader – Mind reading is pretty easy these days. Just scroll through the updates the person has made online and with a bit of observation skills, you can read the persons mind.

Member of every techno forum on the internet to stay updated about the latest advancements in the digital world.

Set of Values

Atheist - Lord_Ram doesn’t believe in a superpower. Really, how can he?

Thoughts become actions - Lord_Ram believes that every action has a thought behind it. And that action is instigated by that particular thought.

Any problem can be solved within 140 characters - Lord_Ram believes that a tweet is a seed of thought. If nurtured well, it can grow into a tree, bear fruit and give rise to more such seeds. Lord_ram is the one who plants the seed, waters it, nurtures it and lets it grow into a gorgeous tree.

Believes in non violence – After his violent encounter with RavanA, he gave up violent ways to fight evil deeds. He now believes in non-violence. And tweeting of course.

Believes in Humanity - Lord_Ram does not support any particular religion. He does not differentiate on the basis of race, caste or creed. He believes in humanity.

Sarcasm is the best medicine - Lord_Ram believes that anything said sarcastically always hits home and has the intended effect.

Deep understanding of the laws of the Universe - Lord_Ram is one of the creators of this universe so he has intricate knowledge about how it works. He knows every secret.

PRO of the Gods - Lord_Ram has been assigned the job of being a Public Relations officer of the gods. He is trying to wipe out all the wrong thoughts within the human mind.